I Shall Not Be Moved!

Today has been a really rough day emotionally. There have been a lot of emotionally difficult days lately. Why?
Life is generally pretty good.
My husband loves me dearly and takes such good care of me.
I have two beautiful children who, for the most part, are very well behaved. I am blessed to be able to homeschool them.
I have an abundance of great Christian friends.
We belong to a wonderful Bible believing church where we share sweet fellowship with other believers.
I have great parents, lots of siblings.
What could possibly be wrong in this life?
Nothing visible from the outside. It's all hidden. Most of the time it's hidden from everyone. Sometimes I will be slightly honest when asked by a friend at church how I'm doing; but generally I figure, who wants to be dumped on right before service starts when they walk up and say "Hi! How are you?", with every intention to walk away and speak to the next person they see. :)
There are often times that I am on the verge of tears and just put on my happy church face. Some days like today, I stay hidden away in the bathroom until I have the tears under control. The tears usually begin to trickle out during the worship music at the beginning of service. When I find myself really worshiping from my heart and surrendering everything hidden inside, I feel such relief. There are many times that God uses someone at church to let me know how much He loves me. I have felt God's touch through the arms of various ladies at my church who have hugged me and told me they love me. I am truly blessed to be a part of Calvary Fellowship.
I pray every Sunday that God will use me to be a blessing to someone at church because there have been so many times that I have been blessed by others.

So back to this junk hidden inside. There's fear, worry, frustration, anger, disappointments, jealousy. You name it...it's probably in there. There has been a pattern over the last few years; this time of year tends to be a time for me to battle with depression. Certainly not as serious as some have dealt with, but it's there. I have to try to remember that, for me, my first weapon in this battle is serious prayer time and time spent studying my Bible. The second weapon is exercise. In this battle with depression, all this junk hidden inside are like a million arrows being shot at me from every side of my mind. Every thought is connected to another in this mass of spaghetti brain I have. It is all intertwined and just one worry or outburst of anger triggers all of it to pile up, overwhelming my mind in a very short amount of time and bringing me to my bed in tears with no desire to get up and take care of anything.
For several weeks now things have been getting worse and worse in my head. Less and less has been getting done around the house. More and more I just want to stay home and do nothing. I have been aware of it building and keep telling myself to get a grip before it gets worse.

If I could quit my "job" as mom....today would have been my last day! There have been more and more difficult days on this job lately. I do not feel I am doing my best dealing with the changing attitudes, behavior, and emotions of an "almost 12 yr old" boy. This is the source of much of my anger, frustration and fear. I have been doubting so much lately about my ability to train and teach my children. What if I really mess them up? This has been nagging at me so often. When I see my son's outbursts of anger and it's like watching myself...How disturbing!
 I am aware that as a Christian, there is an enemy that wants me to doubt and fear and fail. But he will not win this battle! Today after a short nap, many tears, much yelling, and a lot of time spent just staring out the window ignoring God's nudging to get up and do something....I finally got up. I put my shoes on, starting pumping music into my ears and walked on my treadmill for a while. After a bit of exercise I began to feel better. I went outside to cool down and sat staring at the sky singing and praying. My prayer was simply,"God, I really need you. I need you so much." That's all I could come up with. That was my heart's cry and apparently it was good enough for Him. Just at that moment He came to me physically....through my sweet daughter. Alahna came out and sat beside me. All of a sudden she said, "Mom! Look up there!" I looked up to see a jet in the sky. She then said "It's flying away, just like we will some day when we go to Jesus." I started crying again and she reached up to wipe my tears, held my hand and then hugged me. WOW!! I love when God uses someone so precious to me to let me feel Him near.
There are some people in this world who do not believe that God exists, but I KNOW He is there, because I have felt Him, heard Him, and seen Him move and work in my life countless times. Today was just another stone laid in the foundation that my life is built on. Each struggle that Jesus sees me through just makes my roots grow that much deeper in my faith. I pray that I will continue to grow and be as the old song says,"Just like a tree that's planted by the water, I shall not be moved." May my life always be "anchored in Jehovah".
 I am thankful that I have the assurance of my Salvation through Jesus. I am ever grateful that though I am often unfaithful and doubting, He is always faithful and reassuring me of His great love for me.