Well, I thought I would go ahead and post an update for those who care to read.
I woke up this morning and my first thought was, "I need to go delete that blog post." I couldn't believe I had posted such negative thoughts for others to read. Yet, I thought that perhaps it might just help someone. I have read of others' struggles and it has actually encouraged me to know that others were just as frail as I. So....I left it.
When I awoke, I was filled with a strong desire to pray and spend some time with the Lord. I knelt beside my bed and just talked to Him. It was such a sweet time. I found myself with a song in my heart, and picked up a hymn book to find the song that was in my heart. Then I began to just sing. Each page I turned had another song that fit exactly what I needed this morning.
Earlier today I told someone very close to me that I refuse to doubt what I know to be true. Just as sure as I know the sky is blue because I've seen it; and a baby's skin is soft because I've felt it; I KNOW that God is present with me in my life. I know that He is faithful and true. I know that He will never leave me or forsake me. I know He has a plan for my life. I know that I am HIS! I know this because I have seen Him work in my life. I have felt His divine presence. I have seen and felt His power and peace. Nothing in this world can compare to the peace that I feel when I am trusting Jesus.
Regardless of who is with me on this pilgrimage, I will follow Jesus. Everywhere He leads me, I will follow on.
I will have difficult days and the struggles I face will not just disappear, but I don't have to carry the burden alone. When days like yesterday come, I can recognize what it is. It is such a mix of physical, emotional and spiritual chaos. And yesterday didn't just pop up out of the blue. The struggle I had yesterday had been building for several days. But I was weak and unprepared for battle. Even though I had seen it coming...I was still unprepared.
I am so grateful for the prayers that were lifted up for me. Thank you! I felt them. Sometimes I am just awed at the power of prayer. Interceding for others, lifting them up when they are weak, is such an incredible ministry. Helping a fellow pilgrim fight the enemy and press on in this journey is what we are called to do. God sends help just when we need it. I have witnessed this over and over again in my life and the lives of those around me.
It is this evidence of God that convinces me to keep pressing on. True joy comes to me and fills my heart when I am completely surrendered to Jesus. This is where I want to stay.
He truly does give his servants rest. There is fulness of joy in His presence.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Weary Pilgrim...Stumbling Soldier
WARNING: This blog post contains content unlike my usual posts. It is me being open and honest about the real me. Continue on at your own risk.
Some days and weeks are just full of spiritual battles....and quite honestly, today I am just really sick of trying to fight. Today has been mix of really bad and really good. It started really bad, got better and then this evening pretty much just stinks again. I know that others are fighting battles that seem so much more intense and are literally life threatening....but each battle faced is real and gets very tiresome.
I cannot post on here all that I am dealing with, but for anyone who reads this and cares to pray for me....I could really use the spiritual support. This pilgrim is just frustrated and confused. I am battling the demons of doubt and fear, and I don't want them to win. My armor feels like it has taken a beating and needs some repair. Or maybe I'm just not wearing it properly. I know I need to spend some serious time with the King.
I also feel like a soldier who is only willing to fight if someone I love is willing to be in the army with me, and right now that someone doesn't want to commit to joining me. I know that being in this "army" is the right thing to do, but I don't want to fight without this someone.
I am finding myself wanting to pull away from church and all things related to the church. Yet at the same time, I want so badly to feel a part of it. (Mind you, I said the church...not God.) I have some spiritual wounds that are need of the healing touch that comes only from the Holy Spirit. Yet I am keeping myself so busy that I haven't taken the time to sit and receive that healing. WHY? Why do I do this? Today I sat and cried out on the church steps instead of sitting in the church service where I could have been a part of the service and been fed. I sat outside and fought demons....more like had the snot beat out of me by them....instead of retreating to the One who could help me. What kept me where I was??? Pride. Plain and simple. I finally did cry out to God....and He helped like He always does. He is always faithful. I got past that part of the path today, but the stretch of road I'm on is still plagued by demons trying to get me to doubt my faith in God. I know I need to fight and I feel stronger than I did earlier today, but I need some other Believing Soldiers to, in prayer, walk this stretch with me.
In case you are reading this and wonder about my "pilgrim" and "soldier" references, I would suggest you read "Little Pilgrim's Progress" by Helen L. Taylor(I know, it's a children's version!) and "The Shining Sword" by Charles G. Coleman. :) Two of my all time favorite books.
I rarely let too many people see this side of me....but here it is. I, too, battle with anger, depression, doubt, fear, etc. Maybe you realize that everyone does....but I don't like to admit that I do. I'd rather keep up the "stained glass masquerade". Though, it hurts to do that for too long; I know from experience. Some times it's good to let others see your weaknesses. I don't plan to do it too often, but just felt I needed to let it show tonight. This "warrior" really is a child who just wants to "lay the sword down and cry for just a while". Sorry, the song references keep coming to mind and they fit well. LOL
Well, I guess that's enough honesty for one night. I'm going to go drop to my knees and pray fervently before sleeping tonight. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will press on. I know that I can rest peacefully when my trust is in Jehovah. I will hold onto His promises!!
Some days and weeks are just full of spiritual battles....and quite honestly, today I am just really sick of trying to fight. Today has been mix of really bad and really good. It started really bad, got better and then this evening pretty much just stinks again. I know that others are fighting battles that seem so much more intense and are literally life threatening....but each battle faced is real and gets very tiresome.
I cannot post on here all that I am dealing with, but for anyone who reads this and cares to pray for me....I could really use the spiritual support. This pilgrim is just frustrated and confused. I am battling the demons of doubt and fear, and I don't want them to win. My armor feels like it has taken a beating and needs some repair. Or maybe I'm just not wearing it properly. I know I need to spend some serious time with the King.
I also feel like a soldier who is only willing to fight if someone I love is willing to be in the army with me, and right now that someone doesn't want to commit to joining me. I know that being in this "army" is the right thing to do, but I don't want to fight without this someone.
I am finding myself wanting to pull away from church and all things related to the church. Yet at the same time, I want so badly to feel a part of it. (Mind you, I said the church...not God.) I have some spiritual wounds that are need of the healing touch that comes only from the Holy Spirit. Yet I am keeping myself so busy that I haven't taken the time to sit and receive that healing. WHY? Why do I do this? Today I sat and cried out on the church steps instead of sitting in the church service where I could have been a part of the service and been fed. I sat outside and fought demons....more like had the snot beat out of me by them....instead of retreating to the One who could help me. What kept me where I was??? Pride. Plain and simple. I finally did cry out to God....and He helped like He always does. He is always faithful. I got past that part of the path today, but the stretch of road I'm on is still plagued by demons trying to get me to doubt my faith in God. I know I need to fight and I feel stronger than I did earlier today, but I need some other Believing Soldiers to, in prayer, walk this stretch with me.
In case you are reading this and wonder about my "pilgrim" and "soldier" references, I would suggest you read "Little Pilgrim's Progress" by Helen L. Taylor(I know, it's a children's version!) and "The Shining Sword" by Charles G. Coleman. :) Two of my all time favorite books.
I rarely let too many people see this side of me....but here it is. I, too, battle with anger, depression, doubt, fear, etc. Maybe you realize that everyone does....but I don't like to admit that I do. I'd rather keep up the "stained glass masquerade". Though, it hurts to do that for too long; I know from experience. Some times it's good to let others see your weaknesses. I don't plan to do it too often, but just felt I needed to let it show tonight. This "warrior" really is a child who just wants to "lay the sword down and cry for just a while". Sorry, the song references keep coming to mind and they fit well. LOL
Well, I guess that's enough honesty for one night. I'm going to go drop to my knees and pray fervently before sleeping tonight. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will press on. I know that I can rest peacefully when my trust is in Jehovah. I will hold onto His promises!!
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