WARNING: This blog post contains content unlike my usual posts. It is me being open and honest about the real me. Continue on at your own risk.
Some days and weeks are just full of spiritual battles....and quite honestly, today I am just really sick of trying to fight. Today has been mix of really bad and really good. It started really bad, got better and then this evening pretty much just stinks again. I know that others are fighting battles that seem so much more intense and are literally life threatening....but each battle faced is real and gets very tiresome.
I cannot post on here all that I am dealing with, but for anyone who reads this and cares to pray for me....I could really use the spiritual support. This pilgrim is just frustrated and confused. I am battling the demons of doubt and fear, and I don't want them to win. My armor feels like it has taken a beating and needs some repair. Or maybe I'm just not wearing it properly. I know I need to spend some serious time with the King.
I also feel like a soldier who is only willing to fight if someone I love is willing to be in the army with me, and right now that someone doesn't want to commit to joining me. I know that being in this "army" is the right thing to do, but I don't want to fight without this someone.
I am finding myself wanting to pull away from church and all things related to the church. Yet at the same time, I want so badly to feel a part of it. (Mind you, I said the church...not God.) I have some spiritual wounds that are need of the healing touch that comes only from the Holy Spirit. Yet I am keeping myself so busy that I haven't taken the time to sit and receive that healing. WHY? Why do I do this? Today I sat and cried out on the church steps instead of sitting in the church service where I could have been a part of the service and been fed. I sat outside and fought demons....more like had the snot beat out of me by them....instead of retreating to the One who could help me. What kept me where I was??? Pride. Plain and simple. I finally did cry out to God....and He helped like He always does. He is always faithful. I got past that part of the path today, but the stretch of road I'm on is still plagued by demons trying to get me to doubt my faith in God. I know I need to fight and I feel stronger than I did earlier today, but I need some other Believing Soldiers to, in prayer, walk this stretch with me.
In case you are reading this and wonder about my "pilgrim" and "soldier" references, I would suggest you read "Little Pilgrim's Progress" by Helen L. Taylor(I know, it's a children's version!) and "The Shining Sword" by Charles G. Coleman. :) Two of my all time favorite books.
I rarely let too many people see this side of me....but here it is. I, too, battle with anger, depression, doubt, fear, etc. Maybe you realize that everyone does....but I don't like to admit that I do. I'd rather keep up the "stained glass masquerade". Though, it hurts to do that for too long; I know from experience. Some times it's good to let others see your weaknesses. I don't plan to do it too often, but just felt I needed to let it show tonight. This "warrior" really is a child who just wants to "lay the sword down and cry for just a while". Sorry, the song references keep coming to mind and they fit well. LOL
Well, I guess that's enough honesty for one night. I'm going to go drop to my knees and pray fervently before sleeping tonight. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will press on. I know that I can rest peacefully when my trust is in Jehovah. I will hold onto His promises!!
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