I Shall Not Be Moved!

Today has been a really rough day emotionally. There have been a lot of emotionally difficult days lately. Why?
Life is generally pretty good.
My husband loves me dearly and takes such good care of me.
I have two beautiful children who, for the most part, are very well behaved. I am blessed to be able to homeschool them.
I have an abundance of great Christian friends.
We belong to a wonderful Bible believing church where we share sweet fellowship with other believers.
I have great parents, lots of siblings.
What could possibly be wrong in this life?
Nothing visible from the outside. It's all hidden. Most of the time it's hidden from everyone. Sometimes I will be slightly honest when asked by a friend at church how I'm doing; but generally I figure, who wants to be dumped on right before service starts when they walk up and say "Hi! How are you?", with every intention to walk away and speak to the next person they see. :)
There are often times that I am on the verge of tears and just put on my happy church face. Some days like today, I stay hidden away in the bathroom until I have the tears under control. The tears usually begin to trickle out during the worship music at the beginning of service. When I find myself really worshiping from my heart and surrendering everything hidden inside, I feel such relief. There are many times that God uses someone at church to let me know how much He loves me. I have felt God's touch through the arms of various ladies at my church who have hugged me and told me they love me. I am truly blessed to be a part of Calvary Fellowship.
I pray every Sunday that God will use me to be a blessing to someone at church because there have been so many times that I have been blessed by others.

So back to this junk hidden inside. There's fear, worry, frustration, anger, disappointments, jealousy. You name it...it's probably in there. There has been a pattern over the last few years; this time of year tends to be a time for me to battle with depression. Certainly not as serious as some have dealt with, but it's there. I have to try to remember that, for me, my first weapon in this battle is serious prayer time and time spent studying my Bible. The second weapon is exercise. In this battle with depression, all this junk hidden inside are like a million arrows being shot at me from every side of my mind. Every thought is connected to another in this mass of spaghetti brain I have. It is all intertwined and just one worry or outburst of anger triggers all of it to pile up, overwhelming my mind in a very short amount of time and bringing me to my bed in tears with no desire to get up and take care of anything.
For several weeks now things have been getting worse and worse in my head. Less and less has been getting done around the house. More and more I just want to stay home and do nothing. I have been aware of it building and keep telling myself to get a grip before it gets worse.

If I could quit my "job" as mom....today would have been my last day! There have been more and more difficult days on this job lately. I do not feel I am doing my best dealing with the changing attitudes, behavior, and emotions of an "almost 12 yr old" boy. This is the source of much of my anger, frustration and fear. I have been doubting so much lately about my ability to train and teach my children. What if I really mess them up? This has been nagging at me so often. When I see my son's outbursts of anger and it's like watching myself...How disturbing!
 I am aware that as a Christian, there is an enemy that wants me to doubt and fear and fail. But he will not win this battle! Today after a short nap, many tears, much yelling, and a lot of time spent just staring out the window ignoring God's nudging to get up and do something....I finally got up. I put my shoes on, starting pumping music into my ears and walked on my treadmill for a while. After a bit of exercise I began to feel better. I went outside to cool down and sat staring at the sky singing and praying. My prayer was simply,"God, I really need you. I need you so much." That's all I could come up with. That was my heart's cry and apparently it was good enough for Him. Just at that moment He came to me physically....through my sweet daughter. Alahna came out and sat beside me. All of a sudden she said, "Mom! Look up there!" I looked up to see a jet in the sky. She then said "It's flying away, just like we will some day when we go to Jesus." I started crying again and she reached up to wipe my tears, held my hand and then hugged me. WOW!! I love when God uses someone so precious to me to let me feel Him near.
There are some people in this world who do not believe that God exists, but I KNOW He is there, because I have felt Him, heard Him, and seen Him move and work in my life countless times. Today was just another stone laid in the foundation that my life is built on. Each struggle that Jesus sees me through just makes my roots grow that much deeper in my faith. I pray that I will continue to grow and be as the old song says,"Just like a tree that's planted by the water, I shall not be moved." May my life always be "anchored in Jehovah".
 I am thankful that I have the assurance of my Salvation through Jesus. I am ever grateful that though I am often unfaithful and doubting, He is always faithful and reassuring me of His great love for me.

Late night thoughts...

 Once again I am thinking that I am so blessed. My kids and I had a fun and interesting Bible time tonight. We read about Gideon, then tried to see how many Scripture verses we could recite from memory. Loved that the kids were arguing over who got to say the next verse. Alahna began to recite Psalm 23 and David tried to tell her it had to be single verses! LOL
I was amazed at some of the verses David knew from Bible Sword Drill. Some of the verses he recited were verses that he just had to memorize the scripture reference, but because they had looked them up and read them SO many times, he had the whole verses memorized. :)

 We somehow got in a discussion about Heaven, and David told me that when he pictures Heaven, he pictures himself sitting on God's lap! How incredible!!
In our discussion of Heaven, he asked if I thought Adalai would have a grown up body. :) He said he wants to see her grown up. Then...Alahna began to ask how Adalai got out of my belly and if we buried her! LOL UGH!! I dodged around those questions pretty good. Told her we will talk about that later! She thought it was because it would make me cry! haha Not quite!! (Adalai is our 2nd baby that died at 8 weeks gestation, just a few days after I saw her heartbeat for the first time. It was one year before Alahna was born. David was 3 yr old at the time and insisted the baby was a girl, so that's how we refer to her. Both kids occasionally like to tell people they have a sister in Heaven!)

 I am in awe again tonight at Alahna's tender heart. (Although there are moments when that tender heart is quite hidden!) Almost every day for the past week she keeps talking about Aunt Toni Lay and ends up in tears. A few days ago she was crying and I asked her what she was thinking that made her cry and if there was something that was making her afraid. Her response surprised me, but then her explanation was even more surprising. She said she was crying because she was worried about Grandma. I immediately thought it was because she (Alahna) was in the room with us a month ago when the ER doctor scared us by incorrectly informing us that Mom had cancer.(She does NOT.) Alahna has lost 2 very special people to death this year and is acquainted with others who are currently battling cancer. BUT...her explanation was this: "Mommy, I am worried about Grandma because Aunt Toni was her sister and I just don't want her to be sad and miss her." I pray that as she grows up she will always feel that pain for others and is able to pray for them and minister in whatever way God leads her.
 If I tell her about people from church who are sick, she remembers to pray for them.
 On Sunday, an older man at our church had a stroke after the morning service and she remembered the next day to pray for him and his family. Tonight, when it was time to pray, I  told the kids that Bro. Johnny is now in Heaven, and she made sure she prayed for his family. Shortly after talking about him going to Heaven, she began again to feel sad about Aunt Toni. She said, "Mommy, why did Aunt Toni have to leave us?"  I am so thankful for the hope we have in Jesus at moments like that. It is then that I can assure her that as long as we stay faithful in following Jesus, we will see her in Heaven someday.
 Aunt Toni probably never knew the impact she had in Alahna's life. We, too, may never know the impact we are having in the lives of those around us. We must be diligent to live a life that leaves a positive impact and an eternal impact. Only the work that we do for God will last for eternity - Showing His love, being His hands and feet, sharing the Gospel (good news) of Jesus. Although we are required to "do good", on the day  we stand before God, he will not check to see if our "good" outweighs our "bad". He will look to see if our name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life. Only those who have asked Jesus to be their Savior and  followed him to the end of their life will be found in that Book. He is the ONLY way to the Father.

Other thoughts for tonight....
 I love teaching! I am enjoying getting to teach our Wednesday night kids' class at church. I love the kids. I love to teach them truths from the Bible and help them learn how to apply those truths to their lives.
 I love learning! I am studying about Ancient Greece in order to teach a class at our homeschool group beginning this Friday. David wanted to learn about it, so I am going to teach it as I learn it! So far it is fascinating! I love history and I love to see how the people and Bible stories I have heard and loved all my life fit into the timeline of ancient history.
 I love life. So many roles I play - wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, teacher....but the one that brings the greatest joy is being a child of God. I could not fulfill any of the other roles in my life to the fullest without the grace that is given to me every day. I would not have the strength or even the love needed, without Jesus. I truly am nothing without Him. I have tried to live without the Holy Spirit leading, and I have ended up hurting people I loved. Sometimes life gets hard, but God is always good. Even when I am not good, He is. God is the source of any good in my life. He is my source of joy and peace.
Whether it's a still small voice, a familiar Scripture, a hug from a friend, a timely text or phone call, the arms of my husband, or the sweet concern of a child, God continually shows Himself to me and works in my life.

So...."How can I keep from singing your praise? How can I ever say enough, How amazing is your love! How can I keep from shouting your name? I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing." (an amazing song by Chris Tomlin)

I think I can sleep now. Well, after I sing that song a little more. :)

Thankful for these magnificent little moments!

Some magnificent little moments of this evening....

* playing pretend with Alahna while working together in the kitchen. She knocks on the wall by the kitchen doorway, and I have to invite her in. We both have different names(she assigned me the name Joy and she chose the name Sue) and she pretends to be a grown up friend coming over to visit. We talk about our kids and husbands. (My husband & kids keep their real names!) LOL It is so much fun! Tonight I had to set her straight though...she said she had been married for 3 years and a few minutes later told me her son was 10 yrs old.  I told her the number for her kid had to be smaller than the number for her marriage!! LOL She had 3 kids this time - Katy, Alexander and Grace.  When we get finished she says "well, I need to go now" and then suddenly my daughter arrives. :) I always say lots of good things about "my kids" and talk about how wonderful my "husband" is.

* playing badminton with hubby & Alahna in the backyard.

* catching lightning bugs with hubby & Alahna, then watching them walk hand in hand up to the house.

* Helping Alahna build a fort in our room to sleep in tonight.


 I am blessed beyond measure! SO undeservedly. Thank you, Father God for your blessings.

Love You Forever

 Tonight as I was going into Alahna's room to pray with her and tuck her in, I decided I would hold her and sing to her before she gets too big for me to do that anymore. I had to crawl under her jump rope that is tied from the posts at the head and foot of her bed. LOL She is sleeping under a tent that she made with a blanket and her rope. I sang a couple little songs...one that is just her name sung to a tune that I adopted for that purpose and another that is the same tune but words I sing to her about how we love her. She has always loved that. I did the same for David when he was little. Then I sang "Masterpiece" by Sandi Patti.

Lyrics:

Before you had a name or opened up your eyes Or anyone could recognize your face. You were being formed so delicate in size Secluded in God's safe and hidden place. With your little tiny hands and little tiny feet And little eyes that shimmer like a pearl He breathed in you a song and to make it all complete He brought the masterpiece into the world. You are a masterpiece A new creation He has formed And you're as soft and fresh as a snowy winter morn. And I'm so glad that God has given you to me Little Lamb of God, you are a masterpiece. And now you're growing up your life's a miracle Everytime I look at you I stand in awe Because I see in you a reflection of me And you'll always be my little lamb from God And as your life goes on each day How I pray that you will see Just how much your life has meant to me. And I'm so proud of you What else is there to say? Just be the masterpiece He created you to be. David sang that song with me at Alahna's baby dedication. I have sung it to both kids since they were itty bitty. After some time with my precious girl, I went to David's room. I had already decided that I would do nearly the same for him. I knew I couldn't hold him on my lap, but we snuggled and I sang to him after a lengthy conversation.  I sang "Masterpiece" to him and then I decided I would sing one more little chorus to him.  Almost 11 years ago at my baby shower, my dear, sweet friend Trish gave me a book  entitled "Love You Forever". If you have never read this book, you really must read it sometime, but make sure you have a box of tissues handy! I was told I had to read this book at my baby shower in front of everyone while I was 8 months pregnant and extremely emotional! Some friend, huh! LOL ;) Just kidding! I have treasured this book and read it to David over the years. It is very special to both of us.   It is a short story of a young mother who rocks her baby and sings a little chorus that says, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."  Throughout the book there are humorous situations depicted that occur over the years as her son grows. As the years pass, she continues to go into his room at night and pick him and rock him while singing the chorus,  "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."  I won't give away the whole story, but at one point of the book, the son sings to his mother,

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my mommy you'll be." 


 Well, I told all that to tell this....as I sang that chorus to my quickly growing, almost 11 year old boy, he began to sing with me. As our choruses neared the end, and he sang his part while I sang mine, the tears started to fall. I held him so very tightly and he held me. 


 Then we prayed and I tearfully thanked God for allowing me to be that precious little boy's mom. That was followed by his prayer thanking God for giving him such an awesome mom. What a gift!


 I don't have photos or video of these moments, but I will never need them. These moments will forever be engraved in my heart and my mind. Precious moments of precious children. Gifts from God.
Their lives truly are a masterpiece that only God could create. I am blessed to be a part of their lives.

Random thoughts: growing older, kids, holidays, blessings

  Here we are. First day of a brand new year. 
 It's so weird to realize it's the year 2012. I remember having conversations with my sisters when we were little about how old we would be when the year 2000 came. We would talk about how odd it seemed to think of someday being 30something years old. Now my oldest sister is almost 2 yrs past that decade, my next oldest sister is leaving her 30's behind in just 10 days, and I have only 2 1/2 years left in my 30's! WOW!!! Our parents are now the age our grandparents were when we were kids. 
 Our kids....well....they are growing up so quickly. Michael and I occasionally tease David about little girls he knows. He is wanting to do everything "grown up".  He has started showering every day. He's wearing cologne. These are "Milestones" along our way. He talks about getting a job some day and he can't wait to learn how to drive. David will be 11 in April. Seems like just yesterday I was taking a pregnancy test at 5 am and telling Michael it was positive. We were both in awe that we were actually going to have our own child. 
 This past year of 2011 has been a year of progress for David. He has grown and matured. He has had many struggles and still has many to face. I am confident that he will grow into a strong young man who knows what he believes. He is a wonderful caregiver when others in our family are sick or hurting. He plays so well with his little sister. Just a few days ago I took the kids to the park. Within just a moment of reaching the playground, Alahna had made a new friend. It took only another moment before David had been designated the "monster" and proceeded to act the part, chasing Alahna and her new friend all over the playground. 
 I had another "milestone moment" when David crawled through a tunnel, came out and said "Mom, I don't fit in those tunnels like I used to." We just keep reaching milestone after milestone so quickly these days. So many signs of my little boy reaching adolescence. 
 We have experienced spiritual battles, resulting in spiritual growth. He loves to read his new Action Bible. It tells the Bible through comic book pictures. There are many days that he reminds me to sit and have our Bible time together. He has experienced the effect it has on our days. One of my favorite precious moments recently was when David was praying at bedtime and said, "Thank you for giving me such an awesome mom." Doesn't get much better than that!!
 Alahna is changing every day it seems. Some days she is such a little lady, and others she is a tomboy through and through. Alahna is definitely her daddy's little work buddy. If Michael is in the garage or outside working, no matter that weather, she is right there with him. She is so competitive. Anything David can do, she tries to out-do him. If there is a dead bug on the floor and we tell David to get rid of it, he usually hesitates....and she says, "I'll get it." Just today the kids found a dead baby mouse on our side porch. Alahna was the one to put gloves on and throw it in the woods. :) She is always riding her bike and trying to do little stunts. Shouldn't be long before we have our first trip to the ER. LOL
 Alahna has a caring servant's heart just like her brother. If anyone in the house is not feeling well, she is right there to take care of them. She can tell when I am about to cry and it brings her to tears. Even at church, after the kids' Christmas program, our pastor's wife was beginning to cry as she spoke to the families about how proud she was of the children, and Alahna along with another child began to tear up. I love that their hearts are so soft and caring that they can feel another person's emotions. 
 I will often tell David and Alahna of people who are sick that we need to pray for. When we pray at bedtime, they remember to pray for them. Just a few days ago, I told Alahna about a text I received that had bad news about someone we have been praying for. Her reply was, "Mom, text her back and tell her I'm sorry." I made sure I did. 


 This past year was a busy year. It was not our best year, but definitely not our worst. Regardless of how our days went, we were blessed. God was still God. Faithful, Good, Loving. Always carrying us through days we couldn't make it on our own. 

 My last couple posts were made during a definite turning point for me this year. Spiritual battles definitely result in growth when God is allowed to have His way in our lives. 
 Since that time, I have seen God working in my life and in the lives of my children. 


  Our holiday season was so very enjoyable. Right before Thanksgiving we celebrated Alahna's 6th birthday and my little sister Ronni's 18th birthday. Thanksgiving was a delight because my big sis Joyful and her family were home from NY. We had a great time visiting while they were home. The following weekend we celebrated my brother-in-law Rob's 40th birthday in Columbia and visited with he & Lisa and their 10 children. That was a great time!
 Two weeks later we celebrated Christmas with my Dad and step-mom Sharon. This was a bit different this year because Joy and Darin were not here. (A fact that caused quite a bit of struggle for me throughout the days leading up to Christmas.) The day turned out to be one I will never ever forget. My dad sat in David's room with him and spent time showing him some things about the guitar. He then played and sang a song for the kids and me that he wrote himself. I was crying by the time he finished. Just watching him there with my kids, sharing that time with them, was such a blessing. The message of the song was awesome as well!  I never knew any of my grandparents very well at all. I definitely never had any special moments as a child with them like my kids have had with their grandparents. My kids have had lots of time with my mom and Michael's parents, but not much time with my dad. So this was extra special.  He and Sharon then played Kinect games with David and Alahna. Now that was fun and very memorable! 


 Last weekend we were blessed yet again to share much family time with our loved ones over the Christmas weekend. Time with Michael's family, my mom and siblings and even a couple hours with my mom's side of the family. Many uncles, aunts and cousins, lots of pictures, and Mom's homemade fudge made for a fun evening!


 Now...here we are...time to get back on a decent diet of something other than baked goods and candy. Bedtimes back to some what of a normal time...anything before 10pm would be good to start! Waking times back to 7am instead of 10am!! 


 I am looking forward to seeing what God will do in our family this year. Sometimes I actually feel a little fear that because things have been going so well, surely something bad has to happen. But I refuse to worry. I want to enjoy every day that God blesses me with those I love the most. My prayer has been and continues to be "Lord, help me to bless your name in the difficult times as well as the easy times." 


Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

So as this day comes to a close, I say again, I am blessed beyond measure....All because of Jesus.

Surrendered and Full of JOY!

  Well, I thought I would go ahead and post an update for those who care to read. 


  I woke up this morning and my first thought was, "I need to go delete that blog post." I couldn't believe I had posted such negative thoughts for others to read. Yet, I thought that perhaps it might just help someone. I have read of others' struggles and it has actually encouraged me to know that others were just as frail as I. So....I left it. 
  When I awoke, I was filled with a strong desire to pray and spend some time with the Lord. I knelt beside my bed and just talked to Him. It was such a sweet time. I found myself with a song in my heart, and picked up a hymn book to find the song that was in my heart. Then I began to just sing. Each page I turned had another song that fit exactly what I needed this morning. 
  Earlier today I told someone very close to me that I refuse to doubt what I know to be true. Just as sure as I know the sky is blue because I've seen it; and a baby's skin is soft because I've felt it; I KNOW that God is present with me in my life. I know that He is faithful and true. I know that He will never leave me or forsake me. I know He has a plan for my life. I know that I am HIS! I know this because I have seen Him work in my life. I have felt His divine presence. I have seen and felt His power and peace. Nothing in this world can compare to the peace that I feel when I am trusting Jesus.
 Regardless of who is with me on this pilgrimage, I will follow Jesus. Everywhere He leads me, I will follow on. 
 I will have difficult days and the struggles I face will not just disappear, but I don't have to carry the burden alone. When days like yesterday come, I can recognize what it is. It is such a mix of physical, emotional and spiritual chaos. And yesterday didn't just pop up out of the blue. The struggle I had yesterday had been building for several days. But I was weak and unprepared for battle. Even though I had seen it coming...I was still unprepared. 
 I am so grateful for the prayers that were lifted up for me. Thank you! I felt them. Sometimes I am just awed at the power of prayer. Interceding for others, lifting them up when they are weak, is such an incredible ministry. Helping a fellow pilgrim fight the enemy and press on in this journey is what we are called to do. God sends help just when we need it. I have witnessed this over and over again in my life and the lives of those around me.
 It is this evidence of God that convinces me to keep pressing on. True joy comes to me and fills my heart when I am completely surrendered to Jesus. This is where I want to stay.
 He truly does give his servants rest. There is fulness of joy in His presence.

Weary Pilgrim...Stumbling Soldier

WARNING: This blog post contains content unlike my usual posts. It is me being open and honest about the real me. Continue on at your own risk.

 Some days and weeks are just full of spiritual battles....and quite honestly, today I am just really sick of trying to fight. Today has been mix of really bad and really good. It started really bad, got better and then this evening pretty much just stinks again. I know that others are fighting battles that seem so much more intense and are literally life threatening....but each battle faced is real and gets very tiresome.
  I cannot post on here all that I am dealing with, but for anyone who reads this and cares to pray for me....I could really use the spiritual support. This pilgrim is just frustrated and confused. I am battling the demons of doubt and fear, and I don't want them to win. My armor feels like it has taken a beating and needs some repair. Or maybe I'm just not wearing it properly. I know I need to spend some serious time with the King.
 I also feel like a soldier who is only willing to fight if someone I love is willing to be in the army with me, and right now that someone doesn't want to commit to joining me. I know that being in this "army" is the right thing to do, but I don't want to fight without this someone.
  I am finding myself wanting to pull away from church and all things related to the church. Yet at the same time, I want so badly to feel a part of it. (Mind you, I said the church...not God.) I have some spiritual wounds that are need of the healing touch that comes only from the Holy Spirit. Yet I am keeping myself so busy that I haven't taken the time to sit and receive that healing. WHY? Why do I do this? Today I sat and cried out on the church steps instead of sitting in the church service where I could have been a part of the service and been fed. I sat outside and fought demons....more like had the snot beat out of me by them....instead of retreating to the One who could help me. What kept me where I was??? Pride. Plain and simple. I finally did cry out to God....and He helped like He always does. He is always faithful. I got past that part of the path today, but the stretch of road I'm on is still plagued by demons trying to get me to doubt my faith in God. I know I need to fight and I feel stronger than I did earlier today, but I need some other Believing Soldiers to, in prayer, walk this stretch with me.
  In case you are reading this and wonder about my "pilgrim" and "soldier" references, I would suggest you read "Little Pilgrim's Progress" by Helen L. Taylor(I know, it's a children's version!) and "The Shining Sword" by Charles G. Coleman.  :) Two of my all time favorite books.
    I rarely let too many people see this side of me....but here it is. I, too, battle with anger, depression, doubt, fear, etc. Maybe you realize that everyone does....but I don't like to admit that I do. I'd rather keep up the "stained glass masquerade".  Though, it hurts to do that for too long; I know from experience. Some times it's good to let others see your weaknesses. I don't plan to do it too often, but just felt I needed to let it show tonight. This "warrior" really is a child who just wants to "lay the sword down and cry for just a while". Sorry, the song references keep coming to mind and they fit well. LOL
  Well, I guess that's enough honesty for one night. I'm going to go drop to my knees and pray fervently before sleeping tonight. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will press on. I know that I can rest peacefully when my trust is in Jehovah. I will hold onto His promises!!